"The Breakfast Table is a (mostly) morning e-mail exchange between football writers and friends Mike Salfino and Scott Pianowski. Always snappy, sometimes snippy but never high in carbs, the BT's main course is an in-depth analysis of the latest NFL developments. But side dishes of music, movies, television and the rest of the cultural zeitgeist are ordered up when the mood strikes. Salfino is stuck somewhere in the swamps of Jersey. Pianowski lives above the desiccated remains of Jimmy Hoffa in Michigan. They've been tabling together since 2002."

T.O. Breakfast (with a side of Russ Meyer)

From: Michael Salfino <salfino@comcast.net>
Date: November 7, 2005 10:54:16 PM EST
To: scott pianowski <spianow@comcast.net>
Subject: Horny Cheerleader Breakfast

Just wanted to get everyone's attention with that subject header.

We'll get to the lesbian, brawling, accused-of-public-lewdness (with each other) Panthers cheerleaders in a minute, I promise. (Did the Panthers pick their cheerleaders out of Russ Meyer movies?)

Conventionally, I could have focused on the Terrell Owens situation. Why do I think everyone is missing the point with that story? While it is very boring to hear the same talking points over and over regarding Owens (he's a "greedy, selfish, spoiled cancer"), I'm not going contrarian here just for the hell of it, honest. But there hasn't been so much trouble made out of a minor slight since Tony and Junior went to the mattresses over Junior's, um, "taste" in women. I'll start the dialog by saying this: Whoever decided not to publicly acknowledge Owens' 100th TD (only six players have done that) when he scored it in Philly should be fired. Actually, have Silvio take him on a one-way trip to the Pine Barrens just to make peace.

The Colts-Patriots game is in progress and going pretty much as we expected (the Patriots can't stop anyone). We also got to see Dick Vermeil cry again this week (which is always fun). Larry Johnson owners are going to be crying if Priest Holmes comes back and starts this week. Going on fourth down got a lot of attention today, which shows you how foolishly conservative most coaches are by default.

Can we stop talking about the Bears (100 yards for Antowain Smith proves you're not a big-time defense, sorry)? Michael Vick wants people to stop saying he isn't a good QB. Vick wouldn't be such a national secret if only he got a fair shake in the media, I know.

It's just breaking that the Panthers fired the cheerleaders for violating a good-behavior clause. What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty? (I hear the Panthers played a football game on Sunday, too.)

The clock is running out on my opening. Should I spike the ball and take the three or outsmart myself with a fake spike? Let's ask Donovan and Andy. (And can we please retire the fake spike, which now only fakes out the receivers.) Russ Meyer Cheerleader Breakfast is served.

From: scott pianowski <pianowski31@yahoo.com>
Date: November 8, 2005 4:19:59 PM EST
To: Salfino <salfino@comcast.net>
Subject: making love with his ego

What happened to our PG-13 Breakfast Table? Oh well, I'll dance with the date that brought me.

I wonder if anyone's filing a grievance for the since-fired Top Cat cheerleaders. Now there's a squad you don't want to mess with – they drink together, fight together, play together, share IDs, the whole nine yards. And this was a road game, at that. Looks like Tampa Bay got its ass kicked the entire weekend, boys and girls. (I shamelessly admit I liked the most recent Steve Smith routine. How about you?).

I've had trouble reaching you this afternoon so I assume you've headed over to TO's house so you can be the "psychological advisor" at the 3 p.m. press conference. Honestly, I feel a little sorry for Owens. He's not a dumb person, not remotely close, but he's got a knack for doing self-destructive things, and I have to suspect that there's a lot of damage or imbalance in that man somewhere. I'm no doctor and it would be silly for me to pretend that I am, but Owens needs to realize that so many of his actions wind up producing the exact opposite of the results he's looking for. In short, it's not working for you, TO.

I think the Eagles for the most part are in the right with how they've handled L'Affaire Owens. Poor Donovan McNabb, remember, actually recruited Owens to come to Philly back in 2004 and worked it on the team side as well. Lots of reward McNabb got for that. Andy Reid by all accounts is a fair and reasonably patient man, but Owens clearly had no interest in acting in the team's best interests at any time. When you're constantly flaming your organization or your teammates, well, that can't be tolerated. TO's Friday apology didn't seem anything close to sincere, and he's never made things right with McNabb – who was constantly blindsided by all of this crap the last year and a half. I say what all the Eagles fans are saying – good riddance.

Where does Owens fit for 2006? Anywhere? I went through 32 teams and I can't see anything that makes a lot of sense. Maybe Herm Edwards can be his Father Flannigan?

I'm not defending the Bears defense until I see the Short Cut (which is on my hit list immediately after the Media Circus in Jersey). Oddly, I was happy to see the Colts trounce the Patriots last night even as I'm a New England fan because I was sick of hearing people suggest the Patriots should win that game on past history (ignoring the red flags with respect to the messed-up New England defense). When you don't have the players, people, you don't have the players. Interesting to note that Brady was 10-for-10 in the first half, and the Pats still trailed by 14.

This double secret probation Holmes Business has become a seasonal thing, don't you think? The Chiefs deny anything is wrong. Holmes flies all over the country getting examined. Larry Johnson runs over people, yet, isn't handed the starting gig. Stop me if you've heard this one before. The NFL is hard to predict in a lot of ways, but here's one story that wasn't hard to anticipate last August.

Vick threw for 228 yards, so let's throw a parade in his honor down Peachtree Street. Vick's post-game comments were pretty narrow – he obviously has no idea what the role of the media is. I wonder how he'll take it when his brother hits the NFL in a few years and winds up being a better passer than he is.

The Eagles never handle the clock well at the end of the half, that's become routine for them. Maybe they're a little too cute for their own good.

So what does Week 10 offer us? Does Mike Shanahan do his usual tap dance on the Raiders? Can the Cowboys go to Philly and bury the Eagles? Can Brooks Bollinger save the Jets? Why are so many coaches in love with the darn fade pass, which no one seems to be successful with? Are the Rams healthy enough to challenge Seattle? Can the Colts think about running the table now? Has Jimmy Kimmel ever said anything funny?

Whip up your best TO apology and get back to me, Doctor. (Wow, I just watched the opener to the press conference and there's TO being humble and apologizing. Geesh, TO – if you had done this LAST WEEK everything would have been fine! It looks like TO is, finally, getting some good advice. Perhaps it's 96 hours too late, but it's finally happened. Okay, now Rosenhaus is doing his yapping act. I gotta throw up now and send this to you . . . )

From: Salfino <salfino@comcast.net>
Date: November 8, 2005 4:24:34 PM EST
To: scott pianowski <pianowski31@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: making love with his ego

You wouldn't believe the stuff they let in PG-13 movies. I wrote a short article about it for Psychology Today that's still awaiting publication even though it seems I wrote it a lifetime ago (very typical of consumer magazines). My feeling with the cheerleaders is whatever I wake up and see in the sports section of my morning paper is fair game.

Rosenhaus has a press conference with the cheerleaders from outside the public restroom in Tampa tomorrow at 3 p.m. ESPN is carrying it. Smith is huddling with Supervixens to cook up his next end zone celebration (my favorite is still the rowboat).

Before I get all boring, let me just say that Owens should pull a George Costanza and show up for work tomorrow like nothing happened.

If you read Owens' biography and look at the way he conducts himself, you can see there are issues from his childhood that have never been resolved. There's the old saw in sports that goes: "When they say it's not about the money, it always is." Well, if that's true, maybe you can also say: "When they say it's about the money, it isn't." We all have good reasons for doing and acting the way we do. Then there are the real reasons that we often can't admit even to ourselves. Owens is the illegitimate child of an underage mother who was the victim of abuse herself. She left him with T.O.'s abusive grandmother, an alcoholic who wouldn't let him leave the house or play with friends and whipped him mercilessly between hangovers. He found out who is father was when he became friendly with a neighbor who turned out to be his half sister.

I know there are many, many sad stories everywhere and especially in the NFL. But Owens is clearly looking for the unconditional love he never received as a child. He wants to be showered with money and accolades for his good deeds between the white lines. He wants to be the favorite son because he feels like he's earned it with his performance. He's reportedly jealous of Donovan McNabb because not only does McNabb's childhood directly contrast with Owens', but Donovan is the No. 1 son in the eyes of Andy Reid and Eagles' management. When his childhood needs are not met, is it any surprise that Owens acts like a child?

Owens needs help to realize that his behavior is not only failing to resolve his past but destroying his present and future. As an adult, he must take responsibility for failing to get this help. But people in psychological distress often fail to recognize their troubles. Owens has had off-field issues exactly like this his entire career. The Eagles also should be blamed for failing to get professional help that would have aided them in dealing with Owens. If they had, they wouldn't have done stupid things like snubbing him after his 100th TD. And they would have been able to smooth the rift that developed last year when Owens asked for more money (when he really wanted praise and recognition for his supreme Super Bowl sacrifice).

Dealing with Owens and his needs is sure to be exhausting and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But that's what Philly bargained for when they traded for him. They seem to want the on-field performance without the headaches. I think they've instigated him both in the spring when they dug in with the contract stuff when they simply could have guaranteed what was left over from his signing bonus and recently when they didn't honor his 100th TD. Only six players have done it. Owens comes with a warning label and there is no other way he could possibly have reacted to that kind of snub.

What you say about players is so true. Forget the red flags. Belichick was throwing up the white ones all night when he all but surrendered to the Colts offense with the fourth-down gambles and onside kicks.

The one thing that bugs me in the NFL is when teams refuse to play their best players. Show Priest Holmes love and respect when his career is over. Right now, Johnson is clearly better and must start. It's a disservice to the game when younger, better players are sidelined because coaches are emotionally invested in veterans. The No. 1 job requirement for a coach is this: Put your best players on the field. You can't let pride and ego stand in the way like Reid and the Eagles have with Owens, or sentimentality as Vermeil is set to do in KC.

If we say that Vick is a great runner, isn't that enough. Again, I don't want to be conned. Don't tell me that he's really a good QB because the team wins. The Falcons win despite his passing and anyone with eyes can see that. It's like McNabb and the talking heads on ESPN trying to con us that the Eagles were better off on the field without Owens on Sunday night. Please. Save it.

I've gone on enough. I like your Week 10 questions. Why don't you get us going on them while I crank out the Stat Index and I'll provide my answers in the next round.

From: "scott pianowski" <spianow@comcast.net>
Date: November 9, 2005 7:51:15 AM EST
To: "Salfino" <salfino@comcast.net>
Subject: we can be heroes (just for one day)

Interesting strategy for Team Owens when you stop to think about it. Let TO fake his way through some contrition, then go the bullpen and bring in Rosenhaus with his hair on fire. I don't think the Eagles are dim enough to buy it, and it was hard to respect Rosenhaus ducking every other question, but hey, it was something to watch on a Tuesday afternoon, I guess.

You take a very liberal view of how the Eagles could have handled this entire situation (I'm glad you're not working at Rikers, man). Sure, he's had a tough childhood, but I'll go out on a limb and say he's not the only NFL player who missed out on the Norman Rockwell home. The 100th TD slight? Please. The basic thing Owens has failed to learn (and I realize I'm not breaking new ground here ) is that if you truly want to be accepted and loved, you can't keep torching the most important bridges in your professional life. Throwing the organization, the head coach and the star QB under the bus, not smart, TO. Mind you, I certainly don't think the Eagles handled the entire Owens era perfectly (the spring impasse, as we've discussed, had logical compromises that the team stubbornly ignored), but nonetheless the team clearly wears the White Hat in my mind. TO has done everything he can to paint his hat black, and with that, accept the headgear, player.

(I hope you're over me not getting you something for our 50th table. We're past that, right?)

The Eagles aren't better today without Owens (I agree with you that it's silly for people to suggest that), and they'll have a heck of a time beating a good Dallas team Monday, but this was the right move for the franchise. The only move, really. Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward again, and this was one of those times.

Okay, what's up with the other 31 clubs? I actually liked most of what Belichick tried Monday, he just didn't have the chess pieces to make it work. The onside kick was absolutely the right call, I don't care if it worked or not. The challenge on the second Marvin Harrison TD was cheesy gamesmanship, though. You're better than that, Belichick.

I'm completely with you in that it's maddening to watch teams bury their best players. Johnson's screaming emergence this summer and fall has everyone excited except Dick Vermeil, and that's a sin. Why can't Chester Taylor get a shot in Baltimore? Why is Mike Mularkey even considering J.P. Losman when the Bills are in the thick of it in the watered-down AFC East? What took the Cowboys so long to jettison Anthony Thomas (Marion Barber is the truth, and Julius Jones comes back soon)? How did Aaron Brooks keep Jake Delhomme on the bench all those years in New Orleans? Why did Norv Turner flush the beginning of 2004 with Rich Gannon? (And how does Turner keep getting high-profile jobs to begin with? He should be out of football by 2007 at the latest. You need to get through to your men emotionally or intellectually - ideally both - and I can't see that he's doing either.)

I ran the tape on the Bears and Saints, and it really was a tale of two halves. For the first 30 minutes, the Saints ran all over them and I was stunned. But it was a 180 shift in the second half, as the Bears essentially jammed 10 of 13 rushing attempts and held the Saints to just 29 yards on the ground. New Orleans had two running attempts on its final full drive, one of them a 3rd-and-1, and they both went for minus yardage. Game over. Exit interview - I still respect this defense in the morning. And I pity anyone who's spent the last few years rooting for Aaron Brooks, as he's easily the most frustrating QB in the league.

A tip of the cap to Wayne Chrebet, who winds up retiring the same week TO dominates the headlines (well isn't that ironic). I guess Brooks Bollinger can't be any worse than the other QBs they've used this year, so I'm behind Herm's switch this week. Good luck at Carolina and at Denver, son. (The Jets have been so boring most of the year I haven't felt the need to keep skewering them for the Mike Nugent and Doug Jolley mishaps of the spring. I guess Jolley needs to play now that Chris Baker is out. As for kickers, they learned the rule that fantasy owners already know - you never, ever, ever take a kicker early. You can always find good stuff, cheap. It's just silly to pay a cost on an uncertain good when you don't have to.)

Let's head to the speed round . . . I like Shanahan over the Raiders because I always do. My head says Dallas and my heart says Philly and I can't seem to break the tie. Address the fade route if you can because it's driving me crazy. Another pet peeve - what's with all this "finding the end zone" speech that's infiltrating our sport? Since when is the end zone missing? Do running backs and wide receivers have treasure maps out there? Football is not an expedition, people.

LT's my first-half MVP, edging out Alexander and Smith on the ballot. I'd pick Shanahan for coach of the year but you could go a lot of different directions. I'm still surprised the Packers are *this* bad, though listening to Mike Sherman every week takes some of the sting away. If Favre and Sherman really are a package deal, I think the team's better off starting fresh in 2006.

From: Salfino <salfino@comcast.net>
Date: November 9, 2005 10:20:41 AM EST
To: scott pianowski <spianow@comcast.net>
Subject: Re: we can be heroes (just for one day)

"Next question."

I'm going to start saying that to my kids.

"Dad, can I get the iPod Shuffle?"

"Next question."

"Dad, can we get a guinea pig?"

"Next question."

"Dad, I'm sick of my stupid brother. Can you take him back to the hospital?"

"Next question."

The Owens situation is almost comically absurd. Tabling the psychological issues and the Eagles ignoring the obvious for the moment, let's look at what Owens has done. He demanded that his contract be renegotiated this spring. "Oh, the humanity!" Then he trashed his QB after a loss where he didn't complete a pass in the first half. Sporting? No. Fair? No. It deserves a slap on the wrist, at least. But being suspended for the year, losing $800,000 in salary and another $1.8 million in signing bonus? All because Owens didn't apologize the right way? What are they, married? Owens is like Clinton now; how many different ways does he have to say he's sorry and who cares? That's a draconian penalty and will certainly be overturned by an arbitrator. Face it: the Eagles were looking for trouble all year and found it. The 100th TD slight was stupid, stupid, stupid. The pressed the button and now want to act like the victim.

Judge the art, not the artist. And judge the player, not the person. The Eagles pay Owens to be a football player, something he does exceedingly well. They're not paying him to be a nice guy in the clubhouse. They're the ones that need to grow up. McNabb should be man enough to let the criticism roll off of him for the good of the team. Is Owens disruptive off the field? Absolutely. But not having him is disruptive ON THE FIELD. And the latter is always worse than the former.

Purposely losing your best player for nothing is never a good move for any franchise. The Vikings were going to be so much better off without Moss, remember?

Coaching challenges were the only conceivable way Belichick could hope to keep Indy out of the end zone Monday Night. Hey, he's had good luck with seemingly ridiculous challenges before, so why not take a shot?

Barber reminds me of Freeman McNeil with his slashing running style and I bet McNeil is why Barber wears No. 24 (his dad was Freeman's teammate).

We're going to praise the Bears now for stopping the Saints and Antowain Smith for one half? Put the pom-poms away, Chicago.

I don't get the irony with Chrebet, who has always been extremely overrated. Of course, he could never do no wrong around here because he, um, doesn't wear the black hat. Bollinger will surprise people (especially Herm). But why waste any more time talking about the Jets?

Dallas is going to kick the living crap out of the Eagles and T.O. and I will be laughing loudly. The Raiders have losing down pat; Denver outclasses them everywhere, especially with Moss limping.

The fade route is the dumbest of the things that everyone does in football. It's like a hail mary on the goal line. Why would you keep chucking up those prayers? If you have Moss or Owens, fine. But Justin McCareins? And if you're going to run on first and goal from the three (which you should), pretty please put three or four wide receivers on the field and spread them out so you have three or four less players at the line of scrimmage. Why worry about block them when you can take them out of the play with formation? "Next question." Ah, screw it.

I'll go with Shaun Alexander as first-half MVP. LT has Antonio Gates, who might be even more dominating. What does Alexander have? Actually, what about Steve Smith? I figured out his end zone celebrations. He rowed last week because he played the Vikings. He did the sword thing on Sunday because he was playing the Bucs. This week, it's the Jets. So, we get some sort of airplane celebration. Maybe he can work in the two new cheerleaders (the Top Cats, although they should probably be called the Tomcats). And how did that brunette get hired in the first place? (Her picture is all over the internet.)

Final thoughts.... My stats are screaming Cowboys in the NFC East. The Giants are the darling right now, but Eli's not keeping the chains moving and the G-Men commit far too many penalties. The Panthers are making a big move, as Jake Delhomme has been more careful with the football lately. There's only one team that can beat the Colts in Indy: the Chargers, who should have done it last year but may not get there again in January (unless they beat them there first in December).

From: "scott pianowski" <spianow@comcast.net>
Date: November 9, 2005 10:49:35 AM EST
To: "Salfino" <salfino@comcast.net>
Subject: sorry seems to be the hardest word

Breaking news: Priest Holmes' career may be over. I think he's smart enough to walk away while he still can.

Apologizing the right way (and at the right time) is one of the most underrated things in our society, amigo. Had Pete Rose known this in 1989, I have no doubt he's in the Hall of Fame today. Instead he lied for a decade and a half, then gave a "Buzz Off" apology when he got around to it. Americans are dying to forgive and forget, you just have to give the impression that you really feel bad about whatever it is you did.

TO and Brick 'Haus did good enough damage control - I agree that Owens will get at least a partial win when arbitration rolls around. Look for the Eagles to pay him some of his 2005 cash, if not all of it. But that's the end of the story - he's been Keyshawned, essentially, and he's not coming back. And we live in a crazy world IMHO when a team's major malfunction is not recognizing their stars enough, in-game, for a milestone. (That said, I got some shameless pleasure when the Jets went overboard - fireworks, included - to credit Curtis Martin for his 100th score last week. Get the message, TO? When you have some class, you get what you deserve. When you're a jerk, you take your chances. That's only true in every window of life.)

Okay, getting rid of Moss didn't help the Vikings as I expected (along with many others), but geesh, they've hit a perfect storm of problems there, wouldn't you think? And how come Oakland's offense has been so pedestrian with Moss around? I realize he's been hurt of late, but they couldn't even get 21 points in the first third of the season. We've gotten to the point where Moss isn't even Moss anymore.

You make a good point on Antowain vs. Chicago, but nonetheless, the Bears are allowing just 3.4 a carry this year, and they don't play the Saints every week. They're doing something right. They also have a two-game lead in that division, which means they're threatening a runaway.

Get out the bubble wrap. I've done all the damage I can do here. I'll start apologizing next week.