"The Breakfast Table is a (mostly) morning e-mail exchange between football writers and friends Mike Salfino and Scott Pianowski. Always snappy, sometimes snippy but never high in carbs, the BT's main course is an in-depth analysis of the latest NFL developments. But side dishes of music, movies, television and the rest of the cultural zeitgeist are ordered up when the mood strikes. Salfino is stuck somewhere in the swamps of Jersey. Pianowski lives above the desiccated remains of Jimmy Hoffa in Michigan. They've been tabling together since 2002."

Cocktail and Dreams Breakfast

From: Michael Salfino <salfino@comcast.net>
Date: September 11, 2006 12:42:04 PM EDT
To: scott pianowski <spianow@gmail.com>
Subject: Week 1 Breakfast

After Week 1, I want to feel like that python who ate the pregnant ewe that I've seen all weekend on my browser home page. I want to be gorged with exciting football. And I'd like a healthy serving of data to lay a foundation for making better sense of the season to come.

But heading into Monday Night, I'm unsatisfied. The games did not fill the void after starving for NFL football since February. The teams didn't seem to shake the cobwebs off this summer. The play lacked crispness.

Of course, there were exceptions. Chad Pennington was partying like it was 2002. Thankfully, the Jets have given him free reign, finally, to audible at the line. You don't get the bookworm QB and turn him into one of these modern day robots waiting for direction from the unseen assistants in the sky (they'd really like to see us but they're afraid they'd blow our minds)

Tough week for the Broncos, Seahawks and Panthers, though Seattle comes away with the win. I guess the Lions aren't taking well to Martz system. But these things take time. Did you see Herm go for the off-tackle run on fourth and five in the red zone? He blamed it on communication problems. The New York beat guys will laugh because this is what Herm says when he wants to deflect blame without pointing fingers.

Let's not forget the Thursday game. And we have two more tonight that we'll round up mid-meal. Everything is on the Table. What have we learned? What, if anything has been confirmed? What essence can be boiled down from Week 1 and used as a nice little base for the rest of the simmering season. Week 1 Breakfast is served.

From: "scott pianowski" <spianow@gmail.com>
Date: September 13, 2006 6:38:12 AM EDT
To: "Michael Salfino" <salfino@comcast.net>
Subject: they call me the seeker (i've been searching low and high)

The Week 1 games left me more than a little cold, too - not to mention I picked up a massive head cold somewhere. I spent Tuesday stumbling around the office like Fred G. Sanford, moaning and muttering to myself. Al Davis probably had the same type of day, 1800 miles away.

Some interesting storylines came out of the mundane weekend, nonetheless. Drew Bledsoe and Jake Plummer are officially quarterbacks on the brink. I hope you know a lot about Tony Romo because I really don't - other than Bill Parcells seems to like him. Bledsoe's play was horrid in Jacksonville. If the Cowboys don't beat an equally-desperate Washington team Sunday, I could see a change coming after the Week 3 bye.

Now Jay Cutler I do know, and like everyone else, I'm in love. It's not a matter of if he takes over in Denver, it's when. The plan was probably 2007 all along, but you look at the schedule and wonder if Plummer can fumble the job away this year. New England waits in Week 3. Baltimore gets them after the bye in Week 5. Indy and Pittsburgh ambush them in Weeks 8-9. I'm willing to give the Rams some credit for what they did to Plummer - this defense is a lot better than people realize - but the Shanahan-Plummer divorce might get a jump start anyway.

The Broncos at least get some timing with Kansas City coming in this week, sans Trent Green. The Chiefs offensive line was exposed without its starting tackles. I can't see Shanahan starting off 0-2 - it's only happened to him once, the lost season of 1999. The 2005 Broncos laid an egg in the opener, too, then promptly beat five good teams in a row. I'm not guaranteeing a repeat of that, but Denver is still pretty solid on both sides of the ball and I expect the Broncos will spank the Chiefs here. Sorry, Herm.

It's nice that the Deion Branch story finally played out so we can all go own with our lives. Are the Seahawks commenting on Darrell Jackson (knee) or Nate Burleson (stiff - man was I wrong on him) by giving Branch that big contract? Keep in mind Branch has never seen 1,000 yards or 16 games in any season. At the end of the day, I think this is another case of the Patriots being wise to not overpay a good-but-replaceable player.

Ah, but it would be nice if Tom Brady has someone to throw to. Ben Watson is going to be great, fine, but you need someone on the outside. Doug Gabriel is a No. 3 at best - sloppy routes, drops a lot of passes. Troy Brown shouldn't be starting at this point in his career. Reche Caldwell? Please. Chad Jackson is a rookie behind the learning curve with his injuries - it's hard to expect him to do a lot right now. If I ran the Patriots, I'd go back to Oakland and see just how badly Jerry Porter has torched those bridges.

All of a sudden there's some juice back in the Jets-Patriots matchup (in part because the teams have been slapping each other back and forth on the Branch thing). Chad Pennington looked fantastic at Tennessee - the entire passing game did, really. Laveranues Coles caught a couple of deep balls and a bunch of other ones, Jerricho Cotchery used his size in the red zone, Justin McCareins didn't chase after cars and the mailman. That said, there's a big difference between throwing the ball when you want to and throwing the ball when you have to, and while the Pats don't have an elite secondary by any means, the Titans are a joke back there. I'm not playing favorites when I say the Pats will win by a touchdown or more, because Belichick will find a way to expose the New York offense.

I don't think anyone was that surprised to see Oakland and Green Bay tank in their home openers, but it is news when Tampa Bay gets embarrased at the Pirate Ship. Was this more of a case of the Ravens hitting the Bucs with a Kermit Washington punch, or is it time to panic in Florida? I swear I'm not looking to pile on Chris Simms, but how does a 6-4 quarterback get so many passes batted down? (He must own Bledsoe's instructional video.)

Maybe it's watching the ugly, dirty Jaguars that's made me sick - can the Steelers go into Jacksonville and beat them, please? The Jags will physically beat up a lot of teams, but I don't trust any part of their offense. I was clinging to the belief that last year's 12-4 was a function of a weak schedule and some well-timed breaks, but now I'm fearing they'll take a playoff spot away from a good team again. Please convince me I'm wrong to be so paranoid.

Speaking of paranoia, notice all the fantasy owners on the George Washington bridge? Who should we panic on, and who deserves a little patience? What happens to Carolina if Steve Smith can't get right? Is the deck stacked against LJ in Kansas City? Is Oakland going to be a fantasy wasteland all year? Why couldn't the two Mikes (Martz and Holmgren) produce a touchdown drive last weekend in Detroit?

Time to down the anti-flu cocktail (that's no joke, Tomkat) and get the Week 2 plan together. Give me the view from the swamps of Jersey.

From: Michael Salfino <salfino@comcast.net>
Date: September 13, 2006 7:27:00 AM EDT
To: scott pianowski <spianow@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: they call me the seeker....

"Cocktail" is one of the great, bad movies of all-time. My wife and I watch it every time we stumble upon it on cable. The hackneyed wit and wisdom of the middle-aged bartender/Yoda-wannabe (played by Bryan Brown) should be catalogued on a website somewhere. But see, someone beat me to it. This stuff is priceless. We have to Table one day with Doug Coughlin. And Ari Gold, too. Then, Madame Bovary, Jay Gatsby (though Nick Carroway would be more interesting) and, finally, Raskolnikov.

Tony Romo? Wasn't he the detective Sinatra played in the sixties? I'd like a paisan at QB as much as anyone, but I laugh when serious people talk about what he did in the preseason against first-teamers. Training camp scrimmages are taken more seriously than 90 percent of preseason games. That's a dirty secret in the NFL because they want to gouge the season-ticket holders into paying for them.

The Cowboys have no choice but to stick with Bledsoe. I think he can still get the job done, though he didn't look good in Jacksonville. But who does? And that includes the Jaguars!

Pride and Poise in Oakland. Just win, baby. Speed kills. At least Raiders fans still have NFL films because they are officially in the Brady Quinn derby. Maybe Jerry Porter is clapping because he wants Brady throwing to him in '07 and not Aaron Brooks. Who can blame him?

You wisely note how Plummer and the Broncos stunk it up last year in Miami. But what no one is asking is whether the Rams could be good. That was a shockingly good defensive performance. Jim Haslett is maybe one of those great coordinators who was ultimately exposed due to the Peter Principle. He had 68 blitzes in the playbook last week and it looked like he used them all. Plummer and Shanahan are offically seperated and waiting for the divorce papers to be finalized, which could take another year or two. Shanny has moved on and found a new trophy in Cutler. Why? Well, Plummer has been significantly worse late in close games than overall in each of the last three seasons.

Herm! What were you doing with Damon Huard as your backup QB, bro'? You remember the last few years with the Jets, no? Even if KC starts 0-2, I'm not writing them off because the pass defense was very sound versus Carson Palmer and the Bengals. Willie Roaf is holding a press conference tomorrow. What's he going to say? And what's going on with the run on third and five near the end zone? Solari thought it was second down? He thought they needed two yards? Why does this stuff follow Herm around? Because he just can't shut the hell up in the press conferences. Sometimes being a leader means taking the blame for something even when it's not your fault.

The Patriots players are pissed about Branch. At least many of them are. It's okay to stick to your guns on paper and not pay a dollar over whatever you've valued the position at (irrespective of the player), but what do the remaining employees say? Are they going to keep leaving blood on the field? But the Patriots are badly hurt by this strictly in a roster sense. I'm with you on their receivers. I had high hopes for Jackson, but he's missed everything this summer. Watson is going to get smothered. I think the Pats should line him up as a receiver. Get him out in space.

I hate even talking about the Jaguars, Bucs and Ravens. They represent the conventional NFL thinking. But it's foolish to dismiss the chances that any or all of them can be good in their old-school way. Playing tough and nasty wins games in the NFL. But, with some very rare exceptions (like when you have an all-time defense that can not only stop teams but score), it doesn't win championships. The Bucs are too old on defense. The Ravens aren't good enough against the great passing teams (or at least were not last year). The Jaguars are technically sound but never really spectacular.

The other conventional thinking I hate is giving Mike Vick credit every time the Falcons win a game. Nice win for Atlanta. Jon Abraham looks like a monster (as he always does when healthy). The lightening and lightening running game is deadly. But Vick is still Vick (10-for-22 passing). The Panthers have to tighten up the run defense and get Steve Smith back pronto because the offense doesn't have a chance without him. They also have trouble on the offensive line, which is banged up. Jake Delhomme was visibly angry at his line much of that game.

The Lions-Seahawks had a preseason feel to it. I couldn't watch. Can Walter Jones be that important to Seattle? Or did losing Steve Hutchinson (who's not coming back) contribute heavily? The Martz thing in Detroit is going to take a month, but the results will be there unless Jon Kitna really is as bad as I've been saying for years.

From: "scott pianowski" <spianow@gmail.com>
Date: September 13, 2006 10:19:17 AM EDT
To: "Michael Salfino" <salfino@comcast.net>
Subject: real men of genius

Jim Haslett is the long-lost twin of Mike Martz. This makes too much sense. Martz is the offensive genius, Haslett the defensive whiz. Martz didn't understand challenges, Haslett couldn't figure out the 2-point conversion. Both guys were horribly miscast as head coaches, but great hires as coordinators (Gregg Williams also fits in this category).

You must have liked the Martz hire because I could have sworn you endorsed Kitna for about 15 seconds this summer. But can Martz make anything happen with the ordinary talent the Lions have? They've got one plus player on this unit, Roy Williams. The line is still a mess. I'll be very surprised if the Lions win eight games, even with that schedule.

Marty Schottenheimer is with you on preseason games - he won't throw LaDainian Tomlinson out there for a summer snap. You can't blow things off in the passing game though, the timing is too important. Do you think Jon Gruden regrets running his main guys so sparingly in August? There's a case to be made for that.

You're throwing an unfair second guess at the Chiefs. Given the recent production and durability of Trent Green, it made little sense to acquire a high-priced, high-profile backup before the season. You can't have everything in the cap world, bro'. Didn't Herm want to run the ball 550 or 600 times? There was no way of knowing Green would get KOed three quarters into the season. (Conversely, QBs like Pennington and Kurt Warner come with warning labels and limited warranties.)

I don't like admitting that I actually saw "Cocktail" in the theatre ("Kokomo" should have been enough to keep The Beach Boys out of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, not that anyone cares). See, kids, Tom Cruise used to be somewhat watchable for all of us, honest. There was a basic Cruise formula replayed over and over in the 1980s, but normally it worked. "All The Right Moves" is passable. "Risky Business," okay. "Top Gun" is so campy it's almost good, plus it's like watching a Future's Game. "The Color of Money," underrated. I'll argue until the cows come home that Cruise had the harder role in "Rain Man," and he pulled it off. I guess you can take either side for "Born on the Fourth of July."

When did it all come unglued? I didn't see "Days of Thunder" (auto racing does not exist in my house). "The Firm" was undercut by the script. I refuse to watch any of the "Mission Impossible" movies. Even with all its flaws, I can sit through "Jerry Maguire" - if it's draft season. (Maybe the Pats should sign Rod Tidwell.)

Speed round: Brad Johnson is the best quarterback no one talks about. Why did the Redskins and Bucs run him out of town, again? (Coughlin's Law: "Everything ends badly, else it wouldn't end") . . . Does the Tennessee front office ever make a sound decision? Witness the McNair lockout, the Young draft pick (Fisher and Chow wanted Leinart), the Collins move on the eve of the opener. If I'm Jeff Fisher, I get the hell out of dodge no later than January . . . Looks like the Packers are adding Koren Robinson just in time for the suspension. . . They say all quarterbacks have an internal clock in their head. I think J.P. Losman's goes to eleven.

From: Michael Salfino <salfino@comcast.net>
Date: September 13, 2006 11:44:20 AM EDT
To: scott pianowski <spianow@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: real men of genius

"Beer is for breakfast around here, drink or be gone!"

Seriously, all these "Cocktail" quotes are going to end up on my fridge tonight. You really started something. You know how Zep's "Kashmir" knocks out any bad song stuck in your head? What knocks out the bad movie, even the one that brings a smile to your face?

Guilty as charged on Kitna, though I slashed him and wanted McCown to develop. But no excuses. Herm, take note. I still hope that Kitna takes to the system or that Count Orlovsky turns into another Bulger. Motown needs a break.

Hey, isn't the "they should play in preseason" argument in conflict with the "they should rest in December" argument you made last year with the Colts when we really went at each other and I was the old-school guy for once (not that you ever are, but I never am)? The person who pulls out the hypocrisy argument relative to a recent disagreement is almost always admitting it themselves (guys take note and finally slaughter those more verbally gifted girlfriends). But I never actually said that the preseason shouldn't be played seriously, just that it isn't.

If you have to rely on your backup QB long-term, your season is likely over anyway (unless his name is Tom Brady). But can you find someone with a pulse? Brooks Bollinger was there for the taking. Kerry Collins would look good this week in Denver, too. Or better than Huard, at least. Any QB can be taken out on any play. I'm convinced that injuries, new ones at least, are almost entirely luck.

Chad! I can barely contain myself. But I'm really rooting for him and it's not just because he's a Jet. That was terrible luck and must have been a hellacious rehab in back-to-back seasons. But he likely comes back to earth this week, as it's master vs. pupil with the coaches. But, if Pennington looks good again, what a story.

Tom Cruise is going to have his movies financed now by Daniel Snyder. How could that possibly not work out? I don't know if you've heard but I understand that Tom Cruise is into this thing called "Scientology."

I'm with you on Brad Johnson. Like him. His peripheral numbers are all good. But Chester Taylor is going out on a stretcher halfway to 480 carries, book it. Johnson is old and uninspiring and lacks arm strength, but he was fourth last year in the functional arm strength stat I track, which is tied only to 10-to-20 yard passes (where we have a nice sample size with every starter).

Was that Tom Coughlin's law after the Giants playoff loss to the Panthers? That would have been a REALLY cool thing to say in a total BS kind of way. I can actually hear Parcells saying that (maybe Sunday night). I think Vince Young will work out for Tennessee, long term. Is Koren Robinson a practical joke in Green Bay? I think he'll really fit in well up there, don't you? There's so much to do in Green Bay other than sitting in your room and staring at a bottle of bottom-shelf hooch.

You know what we didn't talk about this week that's really interesting? Look at all the heavy favorites. I don't think I've ever seen this this early. Eight games a TD or more? That's wild when you realize there can only be eight home games any week. You know what that tells me? Another rotten week of football. But I'll love it anyway. "Anything else is always better." Huh? Okay, I've got to stop. You grab this check and I'll buy a couple rounds at "Cocktails and Dreams" on Sunday.